SEX AND DISABILITIES, THE TABOO

Some conversations start whitout a reason. You only need an ideal context, for example, privacy or a memory that suddenly appears in your mind. Fortunately for me, it was the opportunity that I had one time in a summer camp in Spain, when I was helping a physical disabled boy to change his clothes. We had privacy in a room and, suddenly, a memory came to his mind. He said: “I remembered the time when I had sex”. Obviously, for me it was a kind of schock. I tried to normalize the situation by asking about his experience and he talked to me freely about it. He told me the exact day, the exact hour, and how much time he spent with the girl, what they did... He remembered all the details as we would all do if we knew that this could be the only time he was going to have sex in his life.

In fact it was the first time (three years ago) and, by now, the last time he had sex. Something difficult to accept if, like him, you are 36 years old. Because you live in this world with a lot of people talking about sex, a lot of people watching porn, a lot of people posting pictures in social networks with their couples or showing sexual parts of their bodys. So, you are exposed to sex like the rest of the world. The differences is that for you is too difficult (even almost imposible) to have sex and unleash your sexual temptations. As disabled, you basically become sexually repressed. Your best option to have sex is, as this boy did, call an organization focused in offer sexual services to disabled people. This boy called this organization to hire these services and they gave the services some years later. After finally having sex, he called again because he knows about the huge waiting list. Now, three years later, he is still waiting to have sex again.

I know that many people don't agree about this kind of services. In their opinion, the boys and girls that offer these services are like prostitutes because they have sex for money. But this sexual workers, in fact, social workers, they have sex using their knowledge about disabilities, they know how to move a person with mobility problems, and how to deal with them psychologically. If you, reader, had some experience working with disabled people, you know that is not easy to move a person with physical disabilities because you can hurt them easily and their muscles may be contracted. Also, they don't have the same education as “not disabled” people, so, for example, you need to be ready to some inappropriate comments or unexpected behaviours.

About sex, the main problem is education. They don't have any sexual education in school because the educational system thinks it is not important for them, as the most probable is that they are never gonna be in any kind of sexual relationship. Even the parents are afraid about that. Parents usually talk to their sons or daughters about sex. But imagine if your son or daughter have some disability. You don't know how to talk with them about sex and, especially, you don't want to create some expectations that, later, they cannot meet.

I am writing this text in Kaunas, where I am a volunteer in a daycenter for mentally disabled kids. In this center we work with some teenagers and we can see the consequences of a nonexistent sexual education for disabled people. These teenagers sometimes touch the other childrens or the workers in inappropriate parts of their body (I think you know what I mean). When you are a child, you explore the most basic parts of your body: hands, nose, feet... And you use the body of the others for your exploration and comparisons. But when you become a teenager you start to explore other parts of the body, the parts of the body more related with privacy and sex. And, again, you use the body of others for your exploration. For example, you have sex, you look for pictures of naked people...

But you know where are the limits because you had this education. The teenagers in our daycenter don´t have this education, even though they are the people who need this education most, as they have difficulties to control their behaviours because of their disabilities. I think it is important to educate the sexual behaviours of disabled people and, then, teach them how to have sex, as they have boyfriends and girlfriends, and sleep together. But, obviously, they are scared. If you never had sex, you can find some porn and have an approach to real sex. If you have mobility problems, it is difficult to find some videos where you can see how to have sex with your specific mobility problems. And if your disability is a mental disability, someone has to teach you how to deal with the situation and your behaviour during sex. The system has to see sex as a right. Yes, a right which you can enjoy, as having a house or a job (fortunately, society is improving about this right related with disabilities but it is not enough yet).

Introducing people with disabilities into society is not just making sidewalk ramps so that they can go down the street without problem, or putting on a good face and trying to talk to a mentally disabled person. That is what any human being and civilization with minimum levels of ethics should do. If we consider that our society is advanced, we must encourage people with disabilities to do exactly the same as people without disabilities; and make sure that they have the same rights and responsibilities, always being aware of their limitations and helping them overcome them.